Broken and Whole

A path to oneness with Dr. Paul Luftenegger and Dr. Gabor Mate

Charlie died with an enlarged heart. If you were to look at Charlie’s organs for insight on his life, you would see an inner roadmap of how the trauma he experienced as a child and adult impacted his health and wellness. In his autopsy, it was shocking to read that he had an enlarged heart. As a metaphor for how big Charlie loved others that seems nice, but an enlarged heart is also related to the fact that men who are sexually abused have triple the rate of heart disease. Heart disease can also be an indication of emotional stress that can be caused by abuse. Charlie experienced physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse during his childhood. Some of the abuse continued during his adult life and like so many of us who stay quiet around abuse, once we do speak up very few are there to listen with compassion and kindness. Or the abuse is overlooked when drugs and alcohol seem to be the problem when really those choices are just symptoms of someone holding unhealed and unexpressed pain.

Charlie spent a lot of time being okay and saying he was okay, until he was not okay, until it was too late.

Recently, I met with singer and songwriter Paul Luftenegger in Denmark for a Co-Creation Retreat with other artists, healers, and creatives from around the world. Paul’s faith, brilliance, and angelic voice embodies oneness and loving kindness. The week before the retreat, Paul sang several of his songs during a three hour event in Copenhagen with Dr. Gabor Mate whose work around childhood trauma is changing the way we think about addiction. Fifteen hundred people attended the event and about 38,000 watched online (including me). It felt like a Woodstock for healing. Paul’s music allowed for the audience to embrace deep truths on a cellular level.

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Paul opened the event with his song BROKEN AND WHOLE and it spoke to so many who were only given the message that we had to be one way or the other. We are either broken or we are whole. The song is about coming into our oneness when we give ourselves permission to be both.

“Paul (Luftenegger) was singing about the oneness of everything,” said Gabor Mate. “He reminds me of another great Canadian songwriter and singer, Leonard Cohen.”

Charlie in his truck on his farm the year before he died…

My son Charlie offered so much insight into his spiritual, emotional, and physical wellbeing before he left his body. He was sharing that he was broken and whole AND that he was struggling to survive in a world—and family—that didn’t want to see his brokenness. He was sharing truths and needing connection when others had already given up on him.

A few months after Charlie died, a family member texted me, “It’s better this way. None of us like being around him. Charlie was never going to get better.” I’m curious how that person holds space for their own brokenness.

In his books and talks, Gabor speaks about the need for attachment to survive. As Charlie’s mother, it was a lonely path to keep showing up for his brokenness and to keep taking his calls even on the days when he projected his pain at me because no one else would listen. I hear this from so many other mothers who are holding space for their children of any age to heal from hard experiences.

I listened until there were no more days…

73 More Days I’m hanging on. I am praying. I just need a hug and I need you to listen to me about what makes me feel like I have to escape the pain. I need you to hear my stories of abuse. I need you to know I got taken advantage of and beaten and broken. I’m still here. God has blessed me. Saved my soul.

60 More days I love you, too. I’m hurting and will be okay. I am just tired. I need support and love. I need people to understand what I’ve been through. 

40 More Days You inspired me to help others to try and create a family. (You) supported my business and made me feel good as a kid who wanted to start a limo company. (You) never held me back and told me I was in over my head. I have a lot of appreciation for you and my childhood. I have a lot I am still working on and accepting. You deserve love. You deserve to be heard. So do I.

July 29, 2022 No more days. Charlie’s body was found in a hotel room near the Sacramento airport. The coroner estimated that he’d been dead at least two days.

The more distance I have from the day Charlie left the physical world, the more insight I’ve discovered on how he was preparing me. He offered me the gift of so much communication both before, during, and beyond the day he left his body. Charlie offered me the gift of his brokenness and the gift of his wholeness. He revealed his oneness. May we each be a safe space to witness that in others—and in ourselves, too.

Please take a moment to listen to Broken and Whole by Paul Luftenegger….

You can find Paul’s music on all platforms and support his music through buying a digital download care here. You can follow Paul on Facebook and Instagram.

Thank you for being here. My hope as a storyteller is to invite you into the challenging moments of being human so you can find the place of connection and compassion for yourself and others. Every Wednesday, I offer a writing prompt for paid subscribers to Substack along with occasional bonuses like free screenings of films and writing classes. The first Wednesday of every month I offer the prompt to all Substack subscribers.