Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream. ~ Euripides

Betsy and her son, Charlie

The day after my youngest son Charlie was found dead in a Sacramento hotel room, I reached for my journal and started writing for fifteen minutes and then I reached for my laptop and wrote for several more hours. I wrote the next day and then the next one. I glad I didn't wait until I was ready. (What does that really mean? Are we ever ready to write about the death of a son? Are we ever ready to write about our pain?)

I wrote about the darkness and the light. I wrote about the shadows. I wrote every story that kept me close to Charlie. I wrote every story that kept me close to myself.

It’s been 31 months without him on earth. It’s been 31 months of looking for Charlie in signs and songs during the day and in my dreams at night. It’s 31 months of an ache that often shows up as a pinch in my heart when I remember…

An excerpt from Grief Glimmers Grace:

It was six months after your death when Lisa Marie Presley died. Her death haunted me, because her son died by suicide when he was twenty-seven, the same age as you. She died two and a half years after her son. The news reported Lisa Marie’s cause of death as complications from a recent surgery, but as a mother, I know what contributed to her death. I know the constant pain of a shattered heart. I know what it’s like to have other children to live for and still be kidnapped by grief.

Six months after Lisa Marie died, Sinead O’Connor’s life ended. Her son also died by suicide. He was seventeen. Sinead wrote about trying to live in the months after the death of her son as living as an “undead night creature.” I get it. I understand trying to live as undead when part of you feels dead. Sinead lived for eighteen months after her son, and then her life ended too. While I don’t personally know them, both these mothers' deaths impacted me because I know the pain and anguish after the shocking and sudden death of a son. It can hardwire the body and mind to wake up in the morning but not want to be awake. I have so much empathy for each day these mothers lived beyond the deaths of their sons—days when you aren’t fully alive. Days when you are undead.

I’ve learned who to trust with my grief. I’ve learned who needs me to show up with a smile and “be okay” to make them comfortable.

I’ve learned who I can share that some days it’s hard to keep living (And that statement does not mean I want to die or end my life). I’ve learned that laughter is balm for tender hearts.

I’ve learned that Charlie had a lot to teach us about how to show up for someone in pain. I’ve learned that many still don’t want to listen.

I’ve learned that when no one wanted to show up to help Charlie when he was at his worst, he was still showing up to help others.

I’ve learned that grace shows up in the shadows and that is where I meet Charlie again and again. And it’s also where I meet myself. Maybe you’ll meet us there, too?

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GRIEF GLIMMERS GRACE

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Betsy’s superpower is putting her hand into your darkness and picking the gem to reveal your greatness. Laura Day, lauraday.com

The radical ritual deck by Lucy Griswold. Thanks for the photo, Leslie St. John.

Thank you to everyone who ordered the radical ritual decks by Lucy Griswold. The decks are for sale through February or until they are gone. You can read more about the origins of the deck here. Lucy has a limited amount of radical ritual decks being offered at a special price, $44 for two decks (normally $44 for one deck), plus free shipping. We are only shipping the decks in the US. *Orders from last week should arrive by Friday, Feb. 13th. Please contact betsy@betsybmurphy.com if you have a question about your order.*