Making Bigger Jumps

We’re all making some big leaps this summer. Recently when I was at the community pool with my granddaughters, Sunny and Ray, both girls wanted to try going off the diving boards. There are two—one is a low board and one is a high board (10 feet). Unlike when my children were young and trying new things, this pool doesn’t allow anyone else to be in the deep end with the diving boards. Only one person at a time. When you jump off the board, you are on your own. The girls didn’t need me in the pool to catch them, but I wanted to be there to offer moral support. Instead, I had to stay on the sidelines.

I tried to stay calm and assuring as they stood in line for the boards with teenagers and adults who were much taller than them but it’s hard because I have some trauma around diving boards. I have no desire to be on one again.The girls know the story about me falling off a diving board when I was their age. It was our neighbors’ pool. There was always an older kid as a ‘lifeguard’ but there were never any adults around to watch us when we swam. We spent summer afternoons in the pool playing games. We tried to swim the length (or two or three) of the pool in one breath. We had relay races. We played tag. During one of the games of tag, I took the three steps up to the diving board that was four feet above the pool. Another kid was also on the board and didn’t see me so as I tried to run around them and jump into the pool to avoid being tagged, the kid accidentally tripped me. I felt off the side and my head and body hit the cement deck—and then everything around me went dark.

I remember being pulled by the older kids to a lounge chair off to the side as the game continued around me. No parents were alerted. Like a drunk person being left to sober up, I remained there until everyone was done swimming and starting to go home. My mom walked over to find me, took me home and called my godfather who was a physician for advice on my care. I was put in bed and observed for the rest of the afternoon until I got the all-clear.

Since then my summer mantras include “No running at the pool” and “Only one person on the diving board at a time,” and “No flips off the board.” I want to be supportive of the girls trying new things. I’m also scared of them hurting themselves. This month is three years since their dad Charlie died. I want to be encouraging. I need them to be safe.

Charlie always loved the water. He learned to swim at the same time he learned to walk. Since his death, the water is the place where I feel closest to Charlie. His ashes were offered to bodies of water that were meaningful to him. Now I’m swimming with his girls in bodies of water that are creating meaningful memories for us.

Sunny in one of our favorite swimming pools

The girls started with the low dive and as I watched the bigger kids go off in front of them while taking a few bounces on the board before they did a flip, I instructed the girls to “Just walk to the end of the board and jump, no bounces or flips.” They both followed my directions, made their first jump off the low board, and smiled extra big as they got out of the water and walked to get in line for the bigger board.

“Listen to your body,” I urged. “If you get up to the top and your body says no, it’s okay to change your mind and come back down the steps. You can always try again another day.”

Sunny climbed to the top of the high board first but when she got to the top, she decided to come back down the stairs. No one judged her. Everyone waiting in line was patient and encouraging. Sunny loves being underwater more than she likes being above it. She prefers big swims over big leaps.

Ray went next. She’s ten months younger than her sister. She confidently climbed the 15 steps up to the top of the board. I was shaking inside. Ray was calm. She looked down at me from the top of the board. “Focus on the board,” I said. “Walk slowly to the end. Don’t look at me, look at the board.”

I was on alert at the side of the board, shuffling back and forth ready to break her fall if she took a wrong step.

Ray took a big breath and then didn’t walk to the end of the board, she danced. She was careful with her dance but she wanted to show me that she was in control. Then she stopped at the end, smiled and gave me a thumbs up, and then leapt even higher off the board.

“That’s my sister,” Sunny shouted.

“That’s my girl,” I could hear Charlie say.

I’m going to try the diving board this summer.

I’m going to take bigger leaps.

I’m going to dance my way into a new story.

Ray making a big leap!

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